I came out as bisexual many years ago, but these last 5 or so years, I have been leaning more toward thinking that I am more Gay than Bisexual. I think more about females, all my dreams include me being gay. I am gay and I always fall for a girl in the closet or one that hasn't quite accepted that they are gay. And so they are always dating guys, to get away from their feeling and urges. But flirting and leading me on, just so they can hide me or hide how they feel about us.
When I think about my dreams the next day, I believe that I might be the two females in my dreams. The first one is discovering a different side to herself, coming out, as an out and proud gay female. I also see myself in the other, the one that hasn't quite accepted it. Not because I disagree, or think less of it. But because I guess I am scared. Too what It can contain.
Could I be happy?
I have not felt love, happiness, joy or safety in any of my relationships with guys. And that's not me saying, that all guys are terrible because that isn't true. There are so many good ones. Just those that I have been with, romanticly or not.
I think that I might be scared to try to be with a female. I was in love once. True love. Lasted 5 years, but the real kicker was that she was straight. I hate that!
Not that she was straight, but the fact that I fall for those that are either straight, in a relationship or just not interested. So it never plays in my favour. Has that made me give up on love? Hell no!
I have had many crushes. Trust me, I have had so many. It's the kind of crush where you act stupid when they are around, and you can't stop smiling and thinking about them. The kind where you hate to leave them but are excited to see them again.
Whilst I had a big crush on the girl, I also said that I had a big crush on a guy. I guess I was young, and not quite out. I was already being bullied and picked on for other things, what would they have said if they knew that I was gay? That is something that I and so many, worry about.
I currently have a crush. She is beautiful. But I have recently found out that she is straight and taken. Why is she online on a dating site for LGBTQ, unless she is in the closet?
I don't know what to do! It is that kind of crush where you feel weak at the knees. That you have to be close, otherwise you go insane.
This may seem intense. But sometimes, the best love comes out of those crushes.
Comments