It has been going bad again. Lately, I have felt so down in the dumps. I am so sad and angry, that I cry most days, and I sometimes go around mad at the world and myself. I hate feeling like this because there are days when I feel sooo good that I feel like I could master anything. From finishing a story that I have been working on for years, to getting out and sorting out my life. But there are days when I can't even get out of bed. I spend all day, sleeping, not eating, taking really long showers, because I can't help myself more or do anything. I always feel so helpless.
I took a self-harm training session today, for my job. Luckily it was from my bedroom via Zoom. But it was so hard to follow because I felt like doing something bad to myself. I tried to think and do anything else so that I didn't think too much about it and then do something that I was going to regret.
Hours later, I am still in bed. Mind you, it is bedtime, and I have work tomorrow. But I can't sleep. I just can't. I just lay here, staring at the ceiling. I will try to sleep after I have written this, hopefully, I will be able to sleep.
I can't stop crying, and I know that I always say that crying can help..but this is me crying after days and days of not being able to shed a tear. And man, am I hungry. My belly is screaming at me, but I can't put anything in my stomach.
It hurts when I ignore it, and it hurts when I face it. So what can I do?
For the next two days, I will have to work, for 12 hrs each shift. I will try and get out of the house this weekend. Saturday, I will see if anyone is free to meet. Maybe coffee and writing, maybe meeting a friend to hang out in the city. And Sunday, food shopping, and gym. Getting out of the house, so, I am not thinking too much about what hurts, and instead, I could be thinking about what gives me happiness.
So, I will try. I will try and get up, get out and do something. But, I will first try going to sleep now.
Goodnight All!
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